For the past three years, Arbitrary Judgment has brought you a running diary of The Academy Awards. An irreplaceable and arguably historic staple of this blog, the diary has never been more relevant than it is this time around. The ceremony is attempting to cater to a younger, hipper crowd by selecting James Franco and Anne Hathaway as hosts, and if Arbitrary Judgment doesn’t scream young and hip, then I don’t know what does.
Coverage of the event started on E! sometime last Tuesday, but I’m picking it up on the Red Carpet a little before 8 p.m., because I actually had things to do. Not important things, but still…
And now, live from the Kodak Theatre at the Hollywood & Highland Center in Los Angeles, California, the 83rd Annual Academy Awards:
7:45 – Pretty sure there is no classier bromance on the planet than Colin Firth and Geoffery Rush.
7:53 – Wow. Mark Wahlberg’s biceps look huge even with that tux on. And oh by the way, that will be the first of many homoerotic thoughts I have regarding Wahlberg throughout the evening.
8:03 – Really wish James Franco would have sported the Pineapple Express haircut.
8:07 – If 21-year-old “me” could go back in time and tell the 14 year-old “me” that I would actually really enjoy and be entertained by Justin Timberlake over the next few years, 14-year-old “me” would have kicked 21-year-old “me” in the groin. But with that said, I really enjoy and am entertained by Justin Timberlake.
8:14 – It’s like Nicole Kidman’s face is frozen in time. It doesn’t budge. Not even a little.
8:27 – In order to avoid my girlfriend getting extensively pissed off while reading this, I will cram all the smoking hot people I saw on the Red Carpet into one breath: Mila Kunis, Jennifer Lawrence, Scarlett Johansson, Reese Witherspoon, Halle Berry, and Matthew McConaughey.
8:30 – We finally head inside to the actual event. You can go home now, Maria Menounos.
8:38 – James Franco and Anne Hathaway pretty much nailed that opening, with a little help from some friends (Alec Baldwin, Morgan Freeman, etc).
8:48 – This Oscar for Cinematography could easily be the most prestigious one that Inception wins throughout the evening, which seems rather ridiculous when you think about it.
8:53 – This is a little harsh, I know, but Kirk Douglas makes Dick Clarke look like a spring chicken.
8:58 – Melissa Leo takes home the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in The Fighter. Can’t disagree. I thought Amy Adams was great in the same movie, and I really would have enjoyed seeing Hailee Steinfeld win for True Grit (even though she was actually in a lead role), but Leo nailed her character.
9:00 – And then Leo drops an F-bomb in her acceptance speech. The Academy appreciates it, I’m sure.
9:03 – Justin Timberlake drops what will probably be the best joke of the evening (referencing un-photographed, possibly disguised nominee “Banksy”), but the story is so unknown that maybe 10% of viewers got it.
9:08 – Toy Story 3 wins the Oscar for (wait for it…) Best Animated Feature Film. Meanwhile, the ceremony itself is kind of stumbling along.
9:23 – The Oscars is sputtering worse than Colin Firth’s dialogue in The King’s Speech (rim shot).
9:33 – Christian Bale wins the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his incredible work in The Fighter. Even with a nomination field that was deeper than 1992 Olympic Dream Team, Bale certainly deserved this award. He even had a nice, “un-Christian-Bale-esque” acceptance speech, too.
9:46 – Trent Reznor wins Oscar for Best Original Score in The Social Network, slits wrists onstage.
10:02 – The way things are going for the show this evening, President Obama’s little video-cameo could actually send his approval plummeting.
10:15 – Regardless of how things have gone, James Franco is proving that he is a genuinely funny guy.
10:20 – OPRAH IS HEEEERREEEEEE!!!! EVERYONE GETS AN OPRAHHHHHHH!!!!! OPRAH IS HEREEEE!!!!
10:32 – After presenting at the Golden Globes and now the Oscars, Robert Downey Jr. is batting 2-2 with a couple homers.
10:41 – Anne Hathaway has had more wardrobe changes than jokes landed.
10:53 – Celine Dion singing during the annual “Passed Away Montage”…there has to be a cruel or off-color joke in there somewhere.
11:00 – Hey Anne Hathaway, Eddie Murphy in Raw from 1987 called. He wants his blue leather jumpsuit back.
11:03 – Tom Hooper wins Best Director for King’s Speech, although I have to disagree. Really think David Fincher deserved to win for The Social Network. And on that note, Ben Affleck (The Town) and Christopher Nolan (Inception) at least deserved nominations. I’m no expert, but I know that much.
11:10 – Francis Ford Coppola = NFL legend Paul Brown. If you are a Bengals fan and have seen The Godfather Part III, then you know exactly what I’m talking about.
11:17 – Natalie Portman wins the Academy Award for Best Actress in Black Swan. I agree with this one 100%, although Jennifer Lawrence and her Oscar dress get a close runner-up from me.
11:19 – Wow, Portman has put on A LOT of weight. (I’mKiddingIKnowShe’sPregnant)
11:21 – Sandra Bullock, back stage, after the show: “Umm, Natalie…You aren’t engaged to a tattooed, motorcycle loving, greasy haired d-bag, are you?” Natalie Portman: “Uh, no. Why?” Sandra: “No it’s nothing…You should be fine…Enjoy the award.”
11:26 – Colin Firth wins the Academy Award for Best Actor in The King’s Speech. This is another one that everyone saw coming, although there is a reason for that. He was pretty freaking brilliant. I didn’t love the movie, but he was great.
11:28 – And yet another reason why I think Oscar nominees should be forced to attend the ceremony in character, costume and all. Who wouldn’t enjoy watching Firth stutter through his acceptance speech while dressed as a royal British monarch? This is easily the best idea I’ve ever had.
11:33 – James Franco has this “I’m pretty sure people have hated this and are going to be bashing the show for the rest of the week” look in his eye.
11:35 – I challenge you to find anyone (other than the Academy) that didn’t think The Town was one of the best 10 films of the year. Go ahead, see if you can do it.
11:38 - The Academy Award for Best Picture goes to The King's Speech, winning the battle against The Social Network. Personally, I would have rather seen The Fighter or The Social Network win this one, but The King's Speech is the type of movie that the Academy tends to gravitate towards. Can't say I agree (I thought it was a wonderfully acted yet boring film), but I guess that's why they are voting on the Oscars and I am sitting in my apartment eating Frosted Flakes and writing this recap.
11:43 - The clumsy, awkward, and yet always entertaining ceremony ends with a bunch of 12-year-olds in fluorescent shirts singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." For some reason, it just seems fitting.
And with that, I conclude my coverage of the 83rd Annual Academy Awards
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