Monday, March 8, 2010

Academy Awards Running Diary: 2010

For the second year in a row, Arbitrary Judgment is bringing you a running diary of the Academy Awards. That’s right, beginning to end, the entire show. And if you think I have too much free time, then you should switch your TV over to E!. They’ve been covering the Oscars since last Thursday.

In the past few weeks, I have received millions of emails from my millions of readers, asking why I hadn’t posted my predictions for this year’s Oscar winners. Well, I haven’t seen enough of the movies that comprise the nominations. Last year, I watched a bunch of them on my computer…illegally. And last year, I got a virus on my computer from watching those movies…illegally. So this time we are just gonna go with the running diary. And I know that very few people actually want to watch this marathon from open to close, so I am here to be your Knight in Shining Armor. As Bob Dylan once said, “You’re gonna have to serve somebody.” Well, considered yourself served.

And now, live from the Kodak Theatre at the Hollywood & Highland Center in Los Angeles, California, the 82nd Annual Academy Awards:

8:01 – Anyone else immediately recognize Red Carpet interviewer Sherri Shepherd from an episode of Friends about 10 years ago? Just me?

8:03 – And our next Red Carpet interviewer, Kathy Ireland, has perfected the ability to look exactly like a manikin. Bravo.

8:04 – “Jake Gyllenhaal, did you have to buy an Xbox, get stoned and live in your mom’s basement for three months prior to filming Prince of Persia?”

8:07 – New idea: All actor/actress nominees have to be in character for the whole evening. Costume, accent…everything. Who’s arguing with this?

8:17 – Apparently Antonio Banderas is going for the Jeff Bridges look. Maybe it will help him win an Oscar someday…or maybe not.

8:24 – Hey Kate Winslet, maybe if you hadn’t decided to stop showing your cans in movies, you would actually be nominated instead having to hang out with Jess Cagle.

8:26 - Number of Red Carpet Interviews that were not awkward or clumsy? Zero.

8:27 – “I’m Kathy Ireland, and my batteries are getting low. Enjoy the ceremony.”

8:32 – Neil Patrick Harris with an upbeat song-and-dance number. I fear it won’t be the last of the evening.

8:34 – Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin: I don’t think either of these hosts could handle this on their own, but together they seem to be a pretty good match.

8:48 – We all knew Christoph Waltz was going to win Best Supporting Actor for Inglorious Basterds, but you know you wanted see Matt Damon win for Invictus, just so he could go on stage, stare at Waltz and say “Do you like apples? DO YOU LIKE APPLES? Well how bout ‘DEM apples!!!” while holding his Oscar up in the air.

8:59 – Up won Best Animated Film? Are you serious? I did not see this coming. Totally blown away. Totally.

9:01 – How old is Miley Cyrus now? Oh…umm…so how ‘bout T Bone Burnett?...yeah, let’s just move on.

9:14 – Robert Downey Jr.’s outfit looks like the mixed brain-child of Pee Wee Herman and Harry Potter. Not a good thing.

9:39 – If you’re wondering why you haven’t seen any shots of Jennifer Aniston or Freida Pinto tonight, it’s because they both said they would rather spend the evening with me. They are such sweethearts.


9:56 – There aren’t many things better than Robin Williams making a joke about balls.

10:00 – Mo’Nique wins Best Supporting Actress for Precious, another winner that everyone saw coming.

10:01 – I’m just gonna say it. Queen Latifah feels salty towards Monique. C’mon, you were thinking it too.

10:09 – I actually don’t think we are getting enough Martin and Baldwin…Alec Baldwin. Not any of the other Baldwins. I really shouldn’t have to clarify that though.

10:21 – How was the crashing and burning of Nic Cage’s acting career not featured in the horror movie montage?

10:38 – James Taylor!!! How fitting that they have the annual “People Who Have Passed Away” Oscar montage with a tribute from a musician who hasn’t seemed to age in about 30 years. A fine selection by the Academy. And no, that wasn’t sarcastic. I can be serious every now and then.

10:56 – Every person that has won an award for Avatar has completely shoved their head up James Cameron’s backside. But you know, I’d probably suck up to Cameron too if I was in Hollywood, seeing as how every one of his movies makes about a billion dollars.

11:27 – While introducing the nominees for Best Actor, Vera Farmiga mentioned the infamous George Clooney smirk. But what you may not know is that whenever George flashes that smirk, it’s because he is thinking back on all of the super models and smoking-hot actresses he has slept with over the years, without a care or worry of having to make a commitment. That’s why the smirk is so unique.

11:32 – Jeff Bridges takes home the Oscar for Best Actor for his work in Crazy Heart. Not a shock, but then again, there is a reason for that. The Dude abides.

11:48 – Sandra Bullock wins the Oscar for Best Actress for her work in All About Steve. Oh, I mean the Blind Side. I actually saw this film and thought she did a good job, but in my opinion, her outfits in the movie are really what deserve this award.

11:52 – I DID NOT tear up during Sandra Bullock’s acceptance speech…but I was pretty damn close.

11:55 – Kathryn Bigelow won Best Director for The Hurt Locker, subsequently killing two birds with one stone: (1)She became the first woman to win an Oscar for Directing, and (2)also landed a major punch in the face to her fellow nominee and ex-husband, James Cameron. Someone needs to get Cameron some ice for that wicked burn.

11:58 – Obviously strapped for time, Tom Hanks is forced to hurriedly announce The Hurt Locker as the winner of Best Picture. Really? Four hours of awards, and the biggest one gets squashed into the last two minutes? Classy.

12:02 – And with that, Martin and Baldwin end the evening. I mean morning. Whatever.

And with that, I conclude my coverage of the 82nd Annual Academy Awards. You’re welcome.

Thanks for reading