Friday, April 24, 2009

The "Imitation Draft"

I had an amazing idea. With the National Football League Draft starting this weekend, I could make predictions on who I thought each team would pick with their first-round selections. How genius is that? I can’t believe I am the first person to think of this. And I even came up with a name; the “Imitation Draft”. Nice, huh? You would assume that the internet and sports-television would just be enamored with this idea, continually beating it into the ground like a fence post in the desert. But, I guess not. The only thing is, I don’t think “Imitation Draft” sounds exactly right. There has to be another word that fits in there better...

Without further ado, the First Round of the 2009 NFL Draft:

#1: Detroit Lions – Michael Crabtree (WR-Texas Tech): Drafting wide receivers is what the Lions do. Every year, the Lions go back to the wideout position, regardless of how many times they have been screwed over and publicly humiliated by those picks in the past. It’s very similar to the Heidi-Spencer relationship.

#2: St. Louis RamsOctomom (and all her kids): The Rams need a lot of help before they can get back on the right track. With this pick, they basically get 8 young prospects for the price of one. It’s a can’t miss.

#3: Kansas City Chiefs – Josh McDaniels (former Denver Broncos head coach): After two months of uncontrollable sobbing, the McDaniels/Matt Cassell bromance is back in full swing.

#4: Seattle Seahawks – Dr. Frasier Crane (Seattle radio psychiatrist): He has a good relationship with the media.

#5: Cleveland Browns – A soon-to-be crappy and disgruntled pass catcher or currently overrated and soon-to-be crappy quarterback. (Name and Position to be determined): The standard has been set. No need for a new coach to come in and change everything up.

#6: Cincinnati Bengals – Andre Smith (Offensive Tackle-Alabama): I keep having these flashes into the future, like Desmond on “Lost”, in which I see the Bengals drafting the moody offensive lineman. He already left the combine early without telling anyone, and he recently fired his agent. And after the Bengals pick him, I can just picture Smith holding out all of training camp, coming in to pre-season like 67 pounds overweight, shredding a knee in his first practice, and then riding around Northern Kentucky for the rest of the season with Tank Johnson, Chris Henry, Cedric Benson, and god knows what in the trunk of that car.

#7: Oakland Raiders – Pat White (QB/WR-West Virginia): The former WVU QB will most likely be some type of QB/WR hybrid in the NFL. And despite the fact that he isn’t scheduled to come off the board until the middle rounds, Al Davis loves his raw speed and skill too much to pass up on him. Plus Al’s getting old, and he doesn’t know if he’ll be around for the third or fourth round.

#8: Jacksonville Jaguars – Percy Harvin (WR-Florida): Former Jags receiver Matt Jones was cut this offseason, mainly due to his problems with drugs and alcohol, most notably cocaine. And since Harvin just tested positive for marijuana at the combine, the Jags felt this would be a good stepping-stone to ease into their selection of a non-drug-using wideout in next year’s draft. I mean, you don’t want put the cart before the horse. Am I right or am I right?

#9: Green Bay Packers – Darrius Heyward-Bey (WR-Maryland): C’mon, this one is too easy. Heyward-Bey….Green Bay. Heyward-Bey in Green Bay. Heyward-Bey scores for Green Bay. Green Bay drafts Heyward-Bey. How could the Packers pass up on this?

#10: San Francisco 49ers – Barry Bonds (Free Agent Outfielder-Major League Baseball): No team in the majors will give Barry a spot on the team, so the former slugger is still just hanging around San Fran. Plus, with all the “test-free” off-time he has had, I’m sure he’s big enough to be an offensive tackle by now, which the Niners could really use.

#11: Buffalo Bills – Jeremy Maclin (WR-Missouri): Newly-acquired Terrell Owens knows he doesn’t have much longer in the NFL, so he needs a young, talented receiver that he can corrupt and groom in his own image, Obi-Wan Kenobi style. “Use the force, Jeremy. This is not the scandal you’re looking for.”

#12: Denver Broncos – Nick Saban (Head Coach-Alabama): After the whole situation with Josh McDaniels lying about his desire to trade Jay Cutler, the Broncos were glad when the Chiefs took him off their hands. Plus, now they can bring in a guy like Saban, who really prides himself on honesty.

#13: Washington Redskins – Barack Obama (President-United States): Redskins owner Daniel Snyder is notorious for going after big-name guys. Plus Obama lives right there in D.C., so he should be able to find the time during the season.

#14: New Orleans Saints – Ray-J (Rapper): Well, Ray-J was reality star Kim Kardashian's boyfriend when they made their infamous “sex tape”, but Kim is currently dating Saints running back Reggie Bush. Does anyone else smell a new VH1 reality show?

#15: Houston Texans – Hakeem Nicks (WR-North Carolina): It worked for Houston when the Rockets drafted Hakeem Olajuwon, so why not try it again?

#16: San Diego ChargersMiss California (California Contestant-Miss USA): Everyone deserves a second chance. However, blogger Perez Hilton probably won’t be giving the Chargers a very strong draft grade.

#17: New York Jets – Mark Sanchez (QB-Southern Cal): The Jets will be thrilled when this up-and-coming QB drops all the way to the mid-first round. However, his debut will have to be put on hold when a certain someone decides he might, kinda, maybe, sorta want to make a comeback.

#18: Denver Broncos – John Elway (Retired Broncos QB): He doesn’t seem so old and washed-up when you put him next to the Broncos other QBs.

#19: Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tampa Bay Rays (Everyone on the roster): Maybe lightning can strike twice.

#20: Detroit Lions – Aaron Curry (LB-Wake Forest): Curry is considered the safest pick in this years draft class, so the Lions are determined to prove everyone wrong.

#21: Philadelphia Eagles – Rocky Balboa (Former Heavyweight Champion of the World): The local hero has proven he can make a comeback as a boxer, but everyone wants to see if he can make it in the NFL. Rocky isn’t so sure, but he’s going to go ahead and try it anyways. Why? Because going in one more round when you don't think you can - that's what makes all the difference in your life. (Rocky IV)

#22: Minnesota Vikings – Flavor Flav (Rapper and Reality TV Star): He already has the uniform covered.

#23: New England Patriots – Gisele Bundchen (International Supermodel): Tom Brady asked management if they could draft his new bride, and when he introduced Gisele to everyone in the front office, they had a hard time finding a reason not to.

#24: Atlanta Falcons – Travis (The kid from “Old Yeller”): What? Too soon? Yeah, you’re right, it’s probably too soon.

#25: Miami Dolphins – Knowshon Moreno (RB-Georgia): I’m just praying this happens, so that at some point, this conversation will actually take place: (Ricky Williams and Chad Pennington in the Dolphins weight room)
Ricky: Yo Chad, who’d we draft?
Pennington: Knowshon.
Ricky: Nope, I don’t know him. Who’s Shawn?
Pennington: No you idiot, Knowshon.
Ricky: So we didn’t draft Shawn?
Pennigton: No, I just said that. We drafted Knowshon.
Ricky: Ok, we didn’t draft Shawn. But why can’t you just tell me the name of the guy we did draft?

#26: Baltimore Ravens: Rey Maulaluga (LB-Southern Cal): I think an annoying, over-the-top, attention hogging linebacker named Rey (or Ray) is the one thing this team really needs.

#27: Indianapolis Colts – The Jonas Brothers (Band and Teen Heartthrobs): With Marvin Harrison gone and Peyton Manning starting to hit the twilight of his career, the Colts want to start attracting a younger, less gender-biased fan base.

#28: Buffalo Bills – Drew Rosenhouse (Terrell Owens' agent): Hold on to your hats, Buffalo. This is only the beginning.

#29: New York Giants – Harris Smith (WR/Applebee’s regular): Word on the street is that he’s a big fan of the Fiesta Lime Chicken.

#30: Tennessee Titans – Dr. Drew (Celebrity Rehab Doctor): Vince Young is gonna be just fine.

#31: Arizona Cardinals – John McCain (US Senator-Arizona): Once word got out that the Redskins drafted Obama, McCain was just itching to get his shot at revenge.

#32: Pittsburgh SteelersSome mediocre or average player that everyone in Pittsburgh and the sports media will deify and talk about non-stop until everyone else in the entire world just wants awful, terrible things to happen to them. (Name and Position to be determined): All you Steelers fans can go blow it out your…

I’m sorry, but that is all the time we have for the First Round. Enjoy the “Real Draft.”

Thanks for reading

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