Well, the Academy Awards have come and gone in a slow, lurching, snail-like, 4 hour blur. I’m sure that the majority of you out there were unable to make it through the full ceremony, and that is completely understandable. However, you are in luck, because I have documented the entire program and recorded it here for your enjoyment. I didn’t want anyone to be out of the Oscar loop, so I figured I would take one for the team and stick with it until the end. You’re welcome, and you all owe me one.
And now, live from the Kodak Theatre at the Hollywood & Highland Center in Los Angeles, California, the 81st Annual Academy Awards:
8:00 – Fancy graphic, catchy jingle…
8:01 – Tim Gunn on the Red Carpet? I might be hitting the mute button faster than I thought.
8:04 – Tim Gunn drools over Brangelina as they walk by, and the two seem noticeably uninterested. I can’t blame them.
8:11 – Rourke gives an awkward and uncomfortable interview in which he gets emotional about the recent passing of one of his dogs. If this is the biggest scene that Rourke causes all night, Oscar and ABC executives will be on their knees thanking God.
8:13 – Jess Cagle (I’ve never heard of him either) interviews Robert Downey Jr. on the Red Carpet. After just seeing Mickey Rourke mumble through a conversation, Downey Jr. really seems a lot less screwed up and a lot more like a normal person. Odd.
8:15 – How emasculated must Jess Cagle feel by the fact that he’s talking to Miley Cirus, and she’s standing a good two inches taller than him? She’s like 14 or something. Also, Miley comments on how much she loves and admires Angelina Jolie. Every pre-teen and middle school girl out there is just praying that there boyfriends did not hear that.
8:16- Anne Hathaway seems extremely normal, which leads me to believe that she must have some skeletons in her closet that we don’t know about. I’m guessing she either has her own meth-lab or belongs to a terrorist group or something.
8:20 – Umm…Meryl Streep’s daughter is hot, and I’m trying to figure out how this is possible. She even seems really nice and sweet, too. Mr. Streep must be a very kind and pretty man. That’s the only way this makes sense.
8:23 – Jess Cagle talks with Jack Black, and it’s pretty obvious that Black is completely drunk.
8:24 – Tim Gunn interviews Marisa Tomei, who is up for the Best Supporting Actress Award for her role as a stripper in “The Wrestler.” Gunn reports on how Mickey Rourke loved seeing Tomei with her clothes off, but that Gunn personally likes it better seeing Tomei with her clothes on…nope, nope, nevermind. Way too easy. Come on Tim, you have to at least try and make it difficult for me. You can’t just lob them in here like that. Let’s move on.
8:30 – Hugh Jackman is introduced as host. Now, I’ll freely admit that he is a good looking man, but to me, he is much less appealing without a ratty beard and with no metal spikes sticking out of his knuckles.
8:33 – Jackman breaks into a lavish musical number. And yeah, it might be slightly funny, but shame on you Wolverine. Shame on you.
8:41 – Curtain blooper. Someone didn’t open it soon enough. Really? They couldn’t even make it 15 minutes without screwing something up? Isn’t this the Academy Awards?
8:43 – See, they give out an important award at the beginning, like Best Supporting Actress, to keep you interested. That way you won’t notice when they waste the next two hours of your life with commercial breaks and Foreign Film Awards.
8:48 – Penelope Cruz grabs Best Supporting Actress for a movie that roughly 30 people have actually seen, and then makes a speech that roughly 30 people could actually understand.
8:50 – Marisa Tomie just realized that not only did she come out empty-handed in the category she was nominated for, but she still has to sit next to Mickey Rourke for the rest of the show. I can’t begin to imagine how pissed she must be.
8:59 – They announce the Oscar for Best “Adapted” Screenplay directly after they announced the winner for Best “Original” Screenplay. How defeated must the second group of nominees feel for not being original?
9:03 – Update: Jack Black is still completely drunk…
9:04 – I love how they just punched Jennifer Anniston in the stomach while she was presenting an award by cutting to a shot of Angelina Jolie. Nice one ABC.
9:08 – They just cut to Brad and Angelina again while Jen was on stage?!?! They are really milking this thing for everything it’s worth.
9:29 – Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…zzzzzzzzzzzzz…
9:34 – What are the chances that Joaqiun Phoenix has no idea that Ben Stiller is making fun of him right now? I can totally see Joaquin sitting at home and cracking up, wondering if this is a character from Ben’s next movie.
9:46 – I really like James Franco, but anytime I see him now, I can only picture him sucking face with Sean Penn. Damn you Hollywood.
9:53 – STOP SINGING HUGH!!! PLEASE!!!
9:55 – Oh great, not only is Hugh Jackman singing, but now they have the High School Musical Kids and the dopes from Mama Mia out there, too. Excuse me while I go empty the contents of my stomach.
10:06 – I’m pretty sure Christopher Walken and Kate Winslet had the same hair dresser this year.
10:07 – Heath Ledger wins an emotional and well-deserved Oscar for his portrayal of the Joker in “The Dark Knight.” Heath’s parents and his sister graciously accepted the award on his behalf, and this really seemed to confuse Mickey Rourke.
10:23 – I’m not going to lie; I switched over to HBO to watch “Flight of the Conchords” like 12 minutes ago.
10:26 – I’m back, and just in time to see Will Smith come up through the stage like Michael Jackson on the “Thriller” tour. Unfortunately, his entrance was soiled when he was forced to announce a few pointless awards. Sound Mixing? Really?
10:41 – After “Doctor Doolittle”, “Daddy Day Care” and “Norbit”, I’m surprised they even let Eddie Murphy on stage to present an Academy Award.
11:02 – Still watching…
11:06 – I just made an important life decision. If (when?) my girlfriend dumps me, I am going to find “Slumdog Millionaire” star Freida Pinto and ask her to marry me. That’s my final answer. It is written.
11:11 – What is this?...No, not Queen Latifah…ugh, this is going to be terrible…wait, wait, she better not sing…no, no, NO…oh my God she’s singing…please, someone stop her…this is just awful.
11:19 – Danny Boyle wins the Oscar for Best Director for “Slumdog Millionaire.” Hmm, I wonder who predicted that…ME!!! That’s right, I called it. Oh, and like a million other people did too, but whatever.
11:26 – Well, they are about to present the Oscar for Actress in a Leading Role, and I have yet to see a single one of the movies that feature these actresses. However, I heard Kate Winslet gets naked A LOT in “The Reader”, so I’m betting that will score her enough points to win.
11:31 – “And the Oscar goes to...Kate Winslet!” I just said that would happen, like 5 minutes ago. I’m a freaking genius.
11:43 – Sean Penn wins Best Actor for his role as Harvey Milk in “Milk.” I would have preferred to see Frank Langella or Rourke win, but anytime a heterosexual man is forced to kiss dudes and make it seem as if he enjoys it, he probably does deserve some type of recognition.
11:47 – Sean Penn, still talking…
11:52 – I wonder if Ron Howard tried to wear a hat to the Awards tonight?
11:53 – “Slumdog Millionaire” wins Best Picture, which I think is fantastic, because we get more shots of Freida Pinto. And oh yeah, I’m pretty sure I predicted this one too. Watch your back, Ryan Seacrest. I think E! is calling me about your job right now.
11:56 – And after four hours, the 81st Academy Awards comes to an end, capped off by a butchered cover of Bob Dylan’s “Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat.” Thanks Oscars. You make me sit through four hours of awards and then disgrace a Dylan masterpiece. How dare you? The Academy can sit on it.
There it is, a recap of the entire Academy Awards Ceremony by yours truly. I hope you avoided watching the whole thing and were able to take advantage of my masterful insight. I will most likely give my reviews of the big winners later this week.
Until then, thanks for reading.