Thursday, December 18, 2008

Week 16 NFL picks

Last Week: 8-8

Overall: 69-49

I struggled last week, coming out of the pile with only a .500 record. However, none of that matters. You know why? WE WON!!!! WHO-DEY!!!! That’s right, got the big #2 under our belt. And if the rest of the league isn’t careful, we could end up with #4 before the year is over. But by getting to a respectable (wince) 2-11-1, the Bengals have saved themselves from having their worst season of all time. With the two wins and the tie, we are guaranteed to finish better than our 2-14 record in 2002 (thanks Dick Lebeau). Our reward this week: the lowly Browns. If Cleveland loses-out and we win-out, the Bengals will end the season with a better record. You have no idea how happy this would make me. So needless to say, this is a big game. I bet Braylon Edwards and the Brownouts can barely hold on to their excitement. Get it Braylon?

Let’s do it.

IND 27 JAC 13 – The Jags had a nice win at Green Bay last week. But don’t worry. They’ll get back on track this Thursday with a spanking from the Colts. In fact, after such a disappointing season, I bet Jacksonville fans were a little disappointed last Sunday. They blow any chance of making the playoffs and living up to the pre-season hype, and then they win a tough, late-season road game at Lambeau Field. You’ve already crushed your fans’ hopes, so the least you could do is give them some consistency. They have feelings too. Quit toying with them.

BAL 19 DAL 17 – Well, a meteor did not crash onto the field during last weeks Ravens-Steelers game, so the two teams live to play another day. I suppose this is ok. The meteor probably wouldn’t have been a good thing…for the NFL at least. And this week, if Tony Romo, Terrell Owens, Ray Lewis, and Ed Reed all collided at the same time and somehow exploded into oblivion, it wouldn’t be a good thing either. Why? Because the game is on NFL Network, and I wouldn’t get to see it happen. (Please don’t judge me.)

CIN 20 CLE 16 – (Justin’s “sensible” choice) – Ryan Fitzpatrick vs Ken Dorsey. Enough said. Justin needs new shorts. – (Justin’s “the fan” choice) – For the first time in a long time, my “fan pick” and my “sensible pick” are exactly the same. I see the Bengals winning this week, and I owe that vision entirely to Ken Dorsey. He makes Fitzy look like a combination of Johnny Unitas and Bruce Willis. If there is only one thing that can make us Cincy fans excited for Sunday, it’s Mr. Kenneth Dorsey. Oh, and a bye week. We like those, too. IF IT’S BROWN FLUSH IT DOWN!!! WHO-DEY!!!

PIT 24 TEN 21
– I hate to do it, but I have to pick the Steelers. They just keep finding a way to win these big games. Plus, it looks like Kerry “Lazarus” Collins finally remembered the kind of player he really is. It’s good to have to have you back Kerry.

SF 14 STL 12 – There are only a handful of teams that would NOT be pumped to play the Seahawks and Niners in consecutive weeks. The Rams are one of those teams. That tells you pretty much everything you need to know.

TB 20 SD 13 – The Bucs have lost two straight games to division rivals. Fortunately, they’re still in the hunt for a wild card spot and will have Norv Turner working to get them a win this Sunday. Sorry Charger fans, but it’s the truth.

NO 26 DET 19 – This is where I break my rule of picking the Saints at home and against them on the road. Only the Lions could ruin such an explicit statute. By the way, which would be more demoralizing: the Lions losing every game and going 0-16, or someone losing to the Lions in one of the last two games? I figure, if the Lions “lose-out” they at least get the #1 Draft Pick, so it’s not all bad. But if another team actually lost to the likes of Dan Orlovsky, years of counseling couldn’t even repair that damage.

MIA 21 KC 16 – The great thing about playing the Chiefs is that Ricky Williams will have someone to share that peace-pipe with. That’s right, I’m finishing the year strong with the “Ricky Williams pot-head” jokes. I really hope the ‘Fins can make the playoffs and keep the steak alive.

NE 24 ARI 20 – I’m rolling with the Pats, but it’s all good. Kurt Warner is still the NFC’s starting quarterback for the Pro Bowl and has a real shot at the MVP. He even led his team to a division title this year. (You know what’s cool? Those two sentences are relevant in 2008 and 1999. Any statement that spans two decades is pretty unique.)

DEN 23 BUF 9 – After the Bills started 5-1, they have steadily skidded to a 6-8 record and played their way right out of the playoffs. The result: head coach Dick Jauron signed a 3-year extension. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Did Buffalo secretly hire Matt Millen? I bet they’re already planning to employ Romeo Crennel and Rod Marinelli as assistant coaches for next season.

NYJ 26 SEA 14 – With the Jets poor play of late and a big game next week against the division-rival Dolphins, this would be a prime trap-game for New York. Luckily for them, they play the Seahawks, so trap-game averted.

HOU 27 OAK 13 – Slight parallel here. The Texans have been playing extremely well down the stretch. Unfortunately, they’re already eliminated from the playoffs, so all those victories don’t really count. Similarly, the Raiders have continued playing games down the stretch. Unfortunately, they’re still the Oakland Raiders, so they don’t really count. BA-ZING.

MIN 20 ATL 17 – The game is in Minnesota, so I’m giving the Vikes a slim advantage. Plus, Adrian Peterson has been running angry lately and mowing down opposing defenses. Why? Well, you’d be pretty mad too if you had to wear purple every week.

PHI 22 WAS 15 – Earlier this week, Redskins head coach Jim Zorn said he felt like “the worst coach in America.” What could possibly compel a man to bestow such a dreadful title upon himself? Well, Zorn saw thousands of Bengals fans actually applauding Ryan Fitpatrick as he led Cincy to a crushing victory over Zorn’s Redskins. Trust me, if you were in his shoes, you would hate yourself too.

NYG 24 CAR 21
– If this game were in Carolina, I would probably take the Panthers. However, I have real qualms about siding with an NFC South team on the road, so I’ll go with the Giants. But I am not as certain about this pick as I would like to be. After the past couple weeks, my confidence in the Giants is shot. I could really misfire with this pick. It’s kind of a shot in the dark. It just seems like lately, the Giants have been shooting themselves in the foot…or leg. (Get it? Moving on.)

CHI 17 GB 13 – Last year, the Packers made the NFC Championship game. Then the Brett Favre saga hit, and in the end, Aaron Rodgers became the quarterback of the future for Green Bay. Now, the Packers are out of playoff contention, and Aaron Rodgers is walking on egg shells with the Green Bay fans. I feel this is a little unfair because Rodgers has played very well for the majority of the season. Plus, if Packers fans would just look around their own division, they would see how good they have it. Would you rather have Aaron Rodgers, or any of the following combinations: Kyle Orton/Rex Grossman, Gus Frerotte/Tavaris Jackson, or the dominant trio of Dan Orlovsky/Daunte Culpepper/Jon Kitna? Yeah, Aaron Rodgers is looking pretty good now, isn’t he?




My thoughts on Kanye West should be up soon.

Thanks for reading

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