Last Week: 12-4
Wow. I went 12-4 last week. I might be able to make a living doing this kind of thing. Unfortunately, my Bengals have not had nearly as much success this season as I have. But you know what really bothers me? Guys like Gus Frerotte, Kerry Collins, Chad Pennington, Kurt Warner, and Matt Cassel have led their teams to winning records, but Ryan Fitzpatrick can’t even throw a stone into a lake. All those other guys have somehow become winning quarterbacks, and our back-up is the reincarnation of Ryan Leaf. I’m sure this is all Mike Brown’s fault.
Moving on. Let’s get to the picks.
CHI 23 NO 20 - I refuse to pick against the Saints at home or with them on the road. They are a shining example of what the NFC South stands for.
TEN 27 HOU 19 – The Texans have been impressive the last two weeks. Unfortunately, they were superb against the Jags and Packers, two teams who have been just as impressive as a big-budget, Colin Farrell movie. Kerry “Lazarus” Collins ends the Texans’ joy-ride.
IND 31 DET 13 – How much do you think every big name college athlete is dreading being the first pick in the draft? I would gladly take a huge pay cut as long as I didn’t have to play in Detroit. Receivers beware. I hope Michael Crabtree is reading this. If he has any brains at all, he will stay for his senior year and pray Detroit doesn’t go “all-defeated” next year, too.
STL 17 SEA 13 – If this game were a child, even its mother wouldn’t love it.
GB 20 JAC 13 – This game just reeks of shame and filth. These two teams have been major disappointments this season. Luckily, both have somewhat of an excuse. The Jags are in a very tough division, having to go against the Titans, Colts, and up-start Texans twice a year. And Green Bay is in the NFC “Ugly Duckling” North, which turns anything it touches to crap. Even still, I’ll be surprised if these teams decide to roll out of bed Sunday morning.
NYJ 24 BUF 16 – What happened to the Buffalo Bills? After opening the season 4-0, they are now piddling along at 6-7. They have gone straight downhill and would be happy to finish at .500. Huge disappointment for the fans of Toronto. As Charles Barkley would say: “They started out as Halle Berry, but ended as Rosanne Barr.”
MIA 23 SF 17 – The Dolphins control their own destiny. If they win-out, they’re in the playoffs. Considering they went only 1-15 last season, their accomplishments this year are astounding. They should really be proud of themselves. In fact, I can already start to see that glazed look of joy and happiness in Ricky Williams’ eyes. Yup, joy and happiness…I’m sure that’s what it’s from. Also, what the heck happened to Chad Pennington? He just woke up in Miami and decided he wanted to be Dan Marino? He’s amazing. How do the Dolphins luck in to Pennington, but I’m stuck with Ryan Fitzpatrick? Why God? Why?
ATL 23 TB 20 – The Falcons are at home. That is the only basis on which I picked this game. I have no clue how either of these teams will actually play, but I am picking the Falcons. The only thing that is slightly consistent with NFC South teams is they play well at home. The Falcons are at home, so I picked them to win by 3. That was my entire thought process. I’m done trying to figure out this division.
KC 19 SD 17 – If it wasn’t for the Rams and Seahawks playing this Sunday, this game would be the worst of the weekend. The “Chiefs vs Chargers” is the Legally Blonde to the “Rams vs Seahawks” Legally Blonde 2. Sure, Legally Blonde sucked, but not as bad as the second.
WAS 23 CIN 7 – (Justin’s “sensible” choice) – The ‘Skins have really been struggling lately. Lucky for them, they get to play the Bengals, which is the best medicine for any team going through tough times. All I want out of this game is a touchdown. Oh, and if Leon Hall could maybe make a tackle, or even just slow down an opposing player enough for someone else to make a tackle, that would be nice too. – (Justin’s “the fan” choice) – PLEASE SCORE A TOUCHDOWN!!!! PLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEE!!!! (I’m about one more 30-point-loss away from being institutionalized.)
ARI 20 MIN 16 – Gus Frerrote is questionable for this game, which could actually be a good thing for the Vikes. However, the Cards are Division Champs for the first time since Martin Van Buren was in office, and no one can rain on that parade.
BAL 21 PIT 17 – Great game. Easily the best game of the weekend on paper, and probably a top-5 game of the year. With that said, if a meteor happened to crash down on M&T Bank Stadium at some point during the first half, it wouldn’t completely ruin my Sunday, if you know what I’m saying.
NE 24 OAK 9 – The only hope the Raiders have in this game is if Randy Moss has terrible “post-traumatic Oakland syndrome” and starts getting flashbacks in the middle of the game, forcing him to commit a bunch of penalties and turn the ball over 8 to 10 times. Sounds a little crazy, but the chances of it happening are probably a lot higher than one might think.
CAR 27 DEN 20 – NFC South teams are deadly at home, and Carolina made Tampa Bay their own personal treadmill last Monday Night. I expect another big game here. Plus, Carolina is made with real bits of panther, so you know they’re good.
NYG 27 DAL 18 – The Cowboys are really heading in the wrong direction. Their owner is constantly calling out players, their coach looks about 2 interceptions away from having a heart attack, their quarterback seems to forget what color jersey to throw to, and their star wide-out has the same maturity level as Will Ferrell in Elf. Sucks for Dallas. Hilarious for everyone else.
PHI 28 CLE 10 – Last Sunday I was watching the Eagles-Giants game between Ryan Fitzpatrick’s incomplete passes. Before the third quarter started, sideline reporter Tony Siragusa said the Eagles would try to move the ball in the second half by “putting their focus on running and passing the ball.” Wow. Running AND passing in order to move the ball. What an insightful analysis. Fortunately for Philly, they could focus on picking their noses this week and
would still win by 20.
Thanks for reading