Thursday, December 4, 2008

Week 14 NFL Picks

Last Week: 10-6

Overall: 49-37

I told you I would get these picks in on time. And I need to stay on my toes, because we are getting down to the nitty-gritty. Only four weeks left before the playoffs and I’m still not confident in the majority of my picks. If I want to be able to make smart late-season and playoff predictions, I’m going to have to step my game up. I need to start analyzing individual games and players, digging deeper and deeper into the most miniscule statistics. I need to sweat over the small numbers, the minimal facts that could end up playing a big role come crunch-time. I’m going to dedicate every waning second I have to the labyrinth that is the NFL, and when I’m done, it will be impossible to get one of these picks wrong.

Nah, I’m just kidding. Then I’d have to miss Top Chef, Gossip Girl, and all those wonderful “holiday movies” on Lifetime, and that just wouldn’t be right. I mean, I have to be true to myself. Hop to it.

SD 23 OAK 16 – Greeny and Golic decided to call this game “The 2008 NFL Europe Championship.” Lane Kiffin spoke of the dysfunction of the Raiders franchise during his press conference at the University of Tennessee. Norv Turner will be prowling the sidelines, trying to make it look like he has some idea what is taking place on the field. Now, I would usually bash the NFL Network and my cable company for refusing to show this game, but here I have to say thanks. They have saved me from at least having the possibility of watching this atrocity.

CHI 21 JAC 17 – At the beginning of this season, the Jags were a trendy pick to win the Super Bowl. Since then, they lost to the Browns and Bengals in consecutive weeks, had to come back to beat the Lions, and got blown out on Monday Night by the Texans. I’m working on a theme here, so just keep this in mind.

TEN 29 CLE 10 – (Read in voice of guy from NFL Films clips) - No Brady Quinn. No Derek Anderson. No problem. When it seemed that all was lost for the Cleveland Browns, they suddenly made a move that would change the course of their season, and possibly, the future of the National Football League. They signed…(are you ready)…Bruce Gradkowski. Uh-oh, look out everyone, Bruce Not-So-Mighty is here to save the day for the Brownouts. No, I’m just kidding. He’s only the back-up; Ken Dorsey will be the one counted on to save the day. I bet Romeo Crennel is already packing up his office.

NYG 27 PHI 19 – There has been a lot of critical talk this week regarding Plaxico Burress and his most recent incident. However, I think a lot of it is unnecessary. Sure, he shot himself in the leg, but he isn’t a complete idiot. He was smart enough to tell the hospital that his name was Harris Smith and he was shot at an Applebee’s. What a creative mind this young man must have. Let’s cut him some slack.

MIN 30 DET 15
– The odds of the Lions going “O-fer” are looking pretty good. I just don’t see them making enough mistakes to accidentally win one of their four remaining games. How unfortunate. By the way, I’m still working on that theme.

GB 21 HOU 18 – Houston played really well last Monday Night, and the Packers have been choking quite a bit recently. But it’s really freaking cold in Green Bay, and Houston is playing on a short week, so I’m rolling with the Packers. And if you’re freaking out because my pick actually made some sense, don’t worry. Sometimes I lose track of my thoughts and spew random, coherent ideas. Trust me, it won’t last.

ATL 24 NO 19 – NFC South teams are 22-2 on their home field. Therefore, the Saints have very good odds in this game against the Falcons. Therefore, I feel strongly inclined to stick with the odds and take the Saints at home. Therefore, I’m picking the Falcons. It’s good to be back. Moving on.

IND 38 CIN 13 –(Justin’s “sensible” pick) – This is where my theme finally falls into place. Yes, the Bengals really suck this year. Yes, this season has been one massive headache I’ve had to endure. And yes, if I happen to see Ryan Fitzpatrick walking down the street, I will throw the first piece of garbage I can find at him. However, when I step back and evaluate the rest of the league, I notice a few things. The Browns suck, the Jags suck, the Chargers suck, the Raiders suck, the Chiefs suck, the Lions really suck, and the Giants have star-players shooting themselves. Bob Marley once said, “When the rain falls, it don’t fall on one man’s housetop.” Too true. So I want to say thanks to all of you out there who are just as miserable as I am. I enjoy the company. - (Justin’s “the fan” choice) – HEY PEYTON, I WATCH THE GAME ON A VISIO!!! SCREW SONY!!! WHO-DEY!!! (Yup, that’s the best I could do this week. I really hope we score a touchdown.)

MIA 25 BUF 14 – The AFC East race is shaping up to be one of the best in the league. I’m really pulling for the Dolphins. I don’t like the Pats, don’t like the Jets, and I really don’t think the Bills have it in them. This means I’m left to hope that Ricky and the Fins can blaze a trail to the playoffs. And yes, I mean “blaze” as a connotation for Ricky smoking dope. You didn’t think I was going soft, did you?

NE 24 SEA 12 – Matt Cassel got torn apart by the Steelers ‘D’ last week, but I’m looking for him to rebound with a good performance Sunday. Not so much because I have faith in Matt Cassel, but more because I have faith in the Seahawks to keep up with their rather foul smelling output this season.

DEN 27 KC 16 – Denver might be the most perplexing team in the league. They lose to the lowly Raiders one week, then stomp the up-start Jets the next. Luckily for them, a suddenly decrepit LaDanian Tomlinson and a constantly confused Norv Turner are their closest competition in the AFC West, so I think they’ll be just fine.

NYJ 23 SF 14 – Brett Farve likes Wrangler Jeans because they’re reliable, and reliability is something that’s important to him. That’s why if Brett says something, he sticks by it. Hey, wait a minute…

ARI 26 STL 15 – The Cardinals can clinch the NFC West with a win against the Rams OR a Niners loss this week. Wait…what? Are you freaking kidding me? The Cardinals? What year is it? What’s going on here?

PIT 20 DAL 17 – You know what really chaps my bum? The entire world seems to be obsessed with Dick Lebeau and what an amazing job he does as the Steelers defensive coordinator. I watched him as head coach of the Bengals for three seasons, and he couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag. But now, he’s with the Steelers, and he’s like a coaching genius. There is just no justice in this world.

BAL 17 WAS 14 – I was not impressed with the Ravens at all this past Sunday. I watched them give up 3 points to my boys at Paul Brown Stadium. Me and my 10 imaginary friends could keep Ryan Fitzpatrick and Co. under a field goal. If Baltimore expects to be a playoff team, they’ll need to turn it around this week.

CAR 27 TB 21 – Finally, a Monday Night game I will actually be interested in watching. Unfortunately, it features two NFC South teams (AKA – The NFC Anomalies). So this could either be the greatest game of all time, or a 3-2 barn-burner. If it’s the latter, I might be switching over to The Hills around halftime. Am I kidding? Sadly…no.

Thanks for reading

No comments: