Last Week: 10-4
No, your eyes do not deceive you. I was 10-4 last week, and if you count my "fan Bengals choice," then I was actually 11-3, but I'll let it slide. But by the way, that reminds me...WE WON!!!! WHO-DEY!!! A 1-8 record never felt so sweet. I'm surprised the Jags were able to get themselves out of bed on Monday morning. Ryan Fitzpatrick ripped them a new one. Ryan Fitzpatrick ripped them a new one. (I know I wrote that sentence twice - it's so unbelievable that typing it once just didn't do it justice.) For the first time in months I was finally able to enjoy my Sunday. Each breath of air felt like eternal bliss. Water tasted like sweet nector poured from the heavens. I could finally point and laugh at every Browns fan once again. It was a beautiful day. And this weekend, to top it all off...BYE WEEK!!! TWO STRAIGHT WEEKS WITH NO LOSS!!! WHO-DEY!!! I love Sunday.
Umm, with all my excitement over the Bengals two-week stretch of success, I put very little thought into these picks. I'm in such a state of nirvana that all the other games seemed so trivial this week. But I buckled down and made an attempt, for you - the people. Enjoy.
Let's get to it.
DEN 25 CLE 14 - Here's a story...About a man named Brady...Who was busing throwing three picks in a loss. Also, Braylon Edwards is featured on the latest “Dropsies” cereal box. You can pick one up at most local grocery stores.
NO 22 ATL 19 - WARNING!!! WARNING!!! There is about a .0000059% chance that this pick will be correct. I cannot pick NFC South games. It's impossible for me when one NFC South team plays, and this game has two. I don't know what it is, but I can't figure those four teams out. The NFC South is my kryptonite.
TEN 19 CHI 12 - There is no way Kerry “Lazarus” Collins will lose to Sexy Rexy.
JAC 23 DET 17 - After losing consecutive games to Cleveland and Cincinnati, the Jags face a possible banishment from the league if they lose at Detroit this week. But don't worry; Detroit is destined to go 0-16. Wait....they signed Daunte Culpepper???? I can't believe it, this changes everything...or maybe not.
BAL 20 HOU 13 - Is it just me, or does Ray Lewis get just a little too excited about grabbing, tackling and wrestling around with a bunch of guys every week? Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just throwing it out there.
MIA 23 SEA 12 - I would bet big money that the Dolphins have one of those “That 70's Show” tables where they just sit around and smoke, with Joey Porter, Bill Parcells, Chad Pennington, and obviously Ricky Williams. I mean, they're in South Beach, the weather is great, everyone is laid back, and Ricky is there. In fact, it's not even a ridiculous possibility - I'm sure of it. Why else would they be playing so well this year?
GB 27 MIN 17 - This game might feature the two worst uniform color-combinations in the NFL...if it wasn't for the Browns.
BUF 24 NE 23 - I don't know why, but I just have a feeling the Bills will get back on track and win this game in Foxboro. Maybe I just like seeing that smug, cheater-smirk wiped off of Belichick's face. Honestly, who doesn't hate Belichick? He's like Dennis “The Wolf” Stansson in D2: The Mighty Ducks, just without the slicked back hair
NYJ 22 STL 20 - If this game was in St. Louis, I'd go with the Rams. I think Favre is overrated. He's not nearly as productive in the NFL as he is in his backyard with his Wrangler jeans and middle-aged friends.
CAR 26 OAK 9 - I was so relieved to see that the Raiders saved me from picking an NFC South game. And on another note, you know that guy that get's way too over-excited about the ridiculous things he sees in info-mercials? He pays way too much for absurd products that he never uses, and regrets paying for them in only a few weeks time. The Raiders are that guy.
PIT 24 IND 17 - I would love for the Steelers to lose, but I just don't see it happening this week. They need to drop a game soon though, or else I'm going to have to be-head Hines Ward myself. That dumb smile makes me want to scratch my eyes out. And while I'm on the subject, Polamalu needs to take a shower, and Mike Tomlin needs to calm down. He's the head coach of a 1st place, 6-2 team, and yet he's still always ticked off. Who peed in his Cheerios?
SD 23 KC 16 - I think the Chargers are a bad football team, but I think the Chiefs are a terrible football team, so I'll take the Bolts in SD. But if LaDanian Tomlinson spent a little more time at practice and a little less time eating Chunky Soup, he might be more productive.
NYG 25 PHI 21 - How much would you love to see Eli Manning and Plaxico Burress do a cover of Paula Abdul and MC Kat singing “Opposites Attract?” What could possibly be funnier than that?
ARI 23 SF 16 - I can't believe this is the Monday Night game. There is a good chance I will watch Gossip Girl with the ladies down the hall instead of this. Either way, the Niners have no chance. They would be better off just hitting the showers early. They are flat-out bad. You can't play with them. Can't coach with them. Can't win with them. Can't do it.
Thanks for reading