Saturday, November 1, 2008

Week 9 NFL Picks

Last Week: 6-8

Overall: 19-23

Well, I must be getting lazy, because my last post was last week's picks, but whatever. I've been too depressed to write much with the way my Bengals are playing this season. But anyways, I'm feeling really good about my choices this week. Two NFC South teams have a bye, which saves me from trying to wrap my head around the games that those mind-baffling excuses for a team play in. Attempting to figure out those four clubs is like trying to predict which "Rock of Love - Charm School" contestant will look the skankieset each week; it's completely up in the air.

Jump on it.

BUF 23 NYJ 16 - I bet Joe Namath rolls over in his grave everytime Brett Favre heaves one of his vomit-inducing, lame duck interceptions. And if you don't think Joe Namath is dead, then you probably don't think Keith Richards is dead either. But go find a recent photo of each of them, and you just might change your mind.

CHI 25 DET 8 - I want to personally thank the Detroit Lions on behalf of the entire city of Cincinnati. As long as the Lions are around, the Bengals can only be the 2nd-worst team in the NFL. You are the Jude Law to our Keanu Reeves.

JAC 25 CIN 13 - (Justin's sensible choice) - Nope, not gonna happen this week. However, I will be able to continue my new post-game tradition; I sit in the dark, in my room, and listen to Toni Braxton sing “Unbreak My Heart” for about two straight hours. But I do not cry. Really, I promise. Hardly ever. I swear. Sometimes, maybe, but only a little... (Justin's “the fan” choice) - FRED TAYLOR IS SO OLD, HIS VISION IS BLACK AND WHITE!!! AND HEY MATT JONES, HOW IS THE CRACK BUSINESS GOING??? PREPARE TO GET BAMBOOZLED JACKSONVILLE - WHO DEY!!!! (Unbreak my heeaaaarrrttt, Say you love me agggaaaaiiiinn.....)

BAL 18 CLE 15 - As long as Braylon Edwards keeps eating a bowl-full of “Dropsies” before every game, the Browns should be able to continue their usual below average play. Or maybe it just comes naturally to them. Hard to say.

TB 25 KC 8 - Games that feature NFC South teams are usually the toughest ones for me to pick. Usually...

MIN 19 HOU 14 - The real losers in this game are the fine folks at CBS that have to air this game regionally. You deserve better guys. I feel for you.

STL 22 ARI 19 - NFC West? Cards vs Rams? I have no clue. Ok, heads is Cards, tails is Rams.'s tails. I really do put a lot of thought into these picks.

TEN 28 GB 19 - In honor of the holiday, I will make the best possible analogy I can think of for Kerry “Lazarus” Collins. Remember in all those “Halloween” movies, how Michael Myers would just keep coming back to life somehow? No matter how many times they tried to kill him, no matter how many times they just wished he would finally die, he always found a way to defy the odds and come back to screw everyone over again. Sound familiar?

MIA 24 DEN 19 - Denver's defense is pretty bad. I expect Miami to have yards and yards of open field, or grass, in front of them all game, leaving Ricky Williams and Co. to “roll-up” the yards and “light up” the scoreboard. Yup, the Dolphins will be flying pretty high after this one. (For those of you keeping track, that's three weeks in a row I've kept up with the “Ricky Williams-pot head” genre. I don't see an end in sight.)

NYG 24 DAL 17 - Brad Johnson and Gus Frerotte need to stop trying to steal Kerry Collins thunder. The NFL only has room for one successful-AARP-eligible-QB per season. Maybe next year guys.

ATL 22 OAK 18 - Oakland fans should dress up in suits and ties for Halloween weekend. It's the only sensible thing to do.

PHI 27 SEA 12 - Glad to see Philly finally did something productive. Ever since Will Smith released “Big Willie Style” they have been searching hard for something worth-while to take credit for. The Phillies and the Fresh Prince have been basically the only bright spots for that city for quite some time. Oh, and that Elton John song.

IND 20 NE 15 - I'm gonna go out on a limb here and predict that Peyton Manning has at least twice as many passing yards as Tom Brady in this game.

WAS 31 PIT 24 - Apparently Chris Berman is interviewing McCain and Obama at halftime of this game, which I find unbelievably disappointing. If there is anything more annoying than the over-kill of election coverage, it's Chris Berman.

Thanks for reading

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