Saturday, November 29, 2008

NFL Week 13 Picks

Last Week: Whoops

Overall: Still 39-31

I'm obviously very behind. I didn't make picks last week (sorry, it was finals week) and I didn't get my picks in this week before the Thursday Thanksgiving Day games. Lucky for you, I'm a very honest person. I promise I made the Thursday picks before the games were played, and I also made my picks last week and happened to go 16-0. (One of those is a lie.) So anyways, I'm trying to get back on track. Please bear with me.

Let's do it.

TEN 31 DET 17 – On this day, every person employed by the Detroit Lions should give thanks for the fact that they have a job. In the real world, if you are a complete waste of life, you would never be able to stay employed. The Lions should feel blessed. Also, this will be Kerry “Lazarus” Collin’s second favorite Thanksgiving ever, his first being when he arrived on the Mayflower.

DAL 24 SEA 15 – The fact that each team gets to have a Thanksgiving dinner after the game is the only reason Wade Phillips needs to put this one out of reach as soon as he possibly can.

ARI 28 PHI 17 – Donavan thought they always played on Sunday. But a Thursday game? He wasn’t aware that was even in the rule-book. He had never heard of that before. And apparently the games only last two quarters now…for him at least.

BUF 26 SF 16 – No way those yuppies from San Fran fly into Buffalo in late November and de-thaw in time to make it a game against the Bills.

BAL 23 CIN 18 – (Justin’s sensible choice) – I’m going to this game, so it will be the first time I get to hold back my vomit with 65,000 other fans rather than by myself in front of the TV. Also, while watching the Steelers game last week at Buffalo Wild Wings (because the Nazi’s at NFL Network won’t show it anywhere else), I heard someone say Ryan Fitzpatrick was a disgrace to all Irish people everywhere. Yup, that pretty much sums up the 2008 Cincinnati Bengals. (Justin’s “the fan” choice) – HEY RAY LEWIS, THE PENITENTIARY CALLED AND THEY WANT THEIR MURDERER BACK!!! THE ONLY PRODUCTIVE THING THE RAVENS HAVE DONE IS FIRE BRIAN BILLICK SO WE CAN WATCH THOSE COORS LIGHT COMMERCIALS!!! YES, I’M OBVIOUSLY RUNNING OUT OF INSULTS…WHO-DEY!!!!

IND 35 CLE 17 –Brady Quinn is out for the year with a hang-nail, so the Brownies will have to try and make it with Derek Anderson the rest of the way. Lucky for Anderson though, Braylon and Kellen have teamed up to take the pressure off of him. They will continue to drop anything they can get their frail little hands on, so it will never be Derek’s fault. If only all teammates could be like that.

MIA 26 STL 13 – Ricky Williams loves Thanksgiving, because it is the only day of the year he doesn’t get questioned for loading his plate with tons of food, covering it with gravy, and then falling asleep a few hours later. The peace and quiet will leave Ricky and the Dolphins flying high to a win on Sunday.

NYG 27 WAS 19 – The breaking news is that Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg at a night club Friday evening. Any chance Goodell suspends Burress for shooting another NFL player? It only seems fair, if he’s serious about cleaning up this league.

TB 21 NO 20 – You all know how I feel about NFC South games, so I had to come up with a way to pick this one, because my choice would most certainly be wrong. So here it goes: I’ve been to New Orleans before, but I’ve never been to Tampa. I’d like to go to Tampa someday, so I’m picking them to win by one. Make sense?

CAR 33 GB 25 – Most would say it’s tough to go in to Lambeau in November and win. But most would also say it’s tough to give up 51 points in a game, and the Pack did that last week, so I’ll roll with the Panthers. (Notice the NFC South team involved with this pick. Agree at your own risk.)

ATL 24 SD 18 – As the season goes on, you discover different things about yourself. For instance, I discovered that I really enjoy watching the Chargers screw themselves at the end of games and lose it at the last second. I also discovered that Norv Turner and I apparently have something in common, because that is the only reasonable explanation for his decision making processes. I mean he can’t actually be that bad of a coach. Can he?

NYJ 27 DEN 15 I have a theory. I think Denver is actually a pretty good team, but they are on a quest to see how many games they can lose and still win the AFC West. They’ll worry about winning when the time comes. The fact that you are nodding in agreement with this theory really speaks to the quality of this division.

NE 27 PIT 23 – I really hate the Patriots and I really hate the Steelers. Still, the Patriots lost Brady in Week 1, and nothing terrible has happened to Hines Ward yet, so I’m rooting for the Pats in this one. I also want to make it known that I just said “nothing terrible has happened to Hines Ward yet.” I never said I HOPE something terrible happens to Hines Ward, and you have no idea what goes on in my head, so I cannot be accused of anything. I am free from the tyranny of the law on this one.

OAK 9 KC 8 – This could very well decide who gets the second pick in next year’s NFL Draft, so I don’t even need to try and explain how important this game is. The significance pretty much speaks for itself.

MIN 17 CHI 14 – Kyle Orton and Gus Frerotte battling to keep their teams in contention for an NFC North Division Title. It is statements like those that make America great. On the contrary, statements like “Carson Palmer out again this Sunday” are what make my life a living hell for one day a week. Moving on.

JAC 23 HOU 14 Two teams with high pre-season aspirations. Two teams that now realize how much they suck. I’m getting my wisdom teeth pulled Monday morning, so hopefully I’ll still be in a drugged-up haze for this game. Otherwise, it won’t be worth watching.

Thanks for reading

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Week 11 NFL picks

Last Week: 10-4

Overall: 39-31

That's right, I went 10-4 for the second week in a row. ESPN is even considering adding me to their Monday Night Countdown pannel. You know what I find ridiculous about the Monday Night Countdown team: Keyshawn Johnson criticizing NFL players. Does this make any sense at all? Keyshawn talking about how selfish and annoying players are today? It's like Colin Farrell talking about overrated actors or Tyra Banks criticizing people for their egos. It's ridiculous. If ESPN hires Lane Kiffin, and he starts criticizing poor player-coach relationships, I'm gonna have to write a very stern letter to those guys. I mean I'll still watch, but they'll get a letter for sure.

Hop to it.

NE 21 NYJ 17 - Might be a good game, but we'll never know because of the SOB's that run the NFL Network and our cable companies. The NFL Network is kind of like Narnia - it sounds like a wonderful, exciting, mystical place that we would love to see and be a part of, but the majority of us will never find it, no matter how much we search.

ATL 27 DEN 23 - I hate the NFC South. It's like a freaking rubix cube of a league. I usually have to use my Fruedian logic when trying to pick these games. But the Broncos had to come back big to beat the Brownies last week, so they can't be that good .

TB 23 MIN 17 - How long before the Vikes get sick of Frerotte and just start direct snapping it to Peterson every play. This week? Next week? I'm not sure, but it's gonna happen. By the way Minnesota, Gus started for the Bengals for an entire season, so I feel your pain.

NYG 27 BAL 19 - Remember that scene in the movie “Remember the Titans” where Sunshine (the quarterback) flipped the other team's big, huge, scary-as-heck lineman over his back and then gave him that bad-ass stare down after the play? If Eli Manning did that exact same thing to Ray Lewis, wouldn't the world like have to implode? Do you think it would implode? I bet it would. Yeah, I definitely think it would.

CAR 25 DET 14 - Thank you Detroit. You saved me from picking another NFC South mind-bender. On another note, I think the Lions should always where their old-school uni's, with just the plain blue jerseys and the plain silver pants and helmets. It makes them look like a 4th-Grade Pop Warner team, which I feel is pretty accurate.

PHI 29 CIN 18 - (Justin's “sensible” choice)- After our first win and our bye-week, the 2 week non-losing streak will suffice for the next couple games. We'll get back to our non-losing ways when ever we darn-well feel like it, which will most likely be against the Browns in Week 16. (Justin's “the fan” choice)- HEY JACKSONVILLE...HA HA HA HA!!! YOU SUCK!!! I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THIS WEEK. I'M STILL CRACKING UP OVER THE FACT THAT YOU LET CEDRIC BENSON AND RYAN FITZPATRICK RIP YOU A NEW ONE!!! HA HA HA HA!!!

CHI 27 GB 17 - I talked to Aaron Rodgers this week (we're good buds) and he told me he nearly pees his pants in fear each time he sees Brian Urlacher's Old Spice commercial, so you can guess who will get the last laugh on Sunday. (Note: If Grossman starts for the Bears, disregard everything I said...and the Bears' chances of winning.)

MIA 24 OAK 12 - I have a suggestion for each team. For Miami: Every time Ricky Williams scores a TD, he should pretend to light the ball and take a puff. For Oakland: The Raiders should run only trick plays, every play of every game. At least they would get people to watch.

NO 27 KC 17 - I'm getting lucky; the NFC South is playing terrible teams this week. But I really hope Reggie Bush plays in this game. I've always thought Bush was overrated, but the Saints kind of suck without him, so I will start giving him more “on-field” credit. As for “off-field” credit, he's dating Kim Kardashian, so I've never short-changed him there. VERY NICE!!!

IND 27 HOU 15 - Peyton and the Colts have been struggling a little bit this season, and I blame this on Marvin Harrison, who went all Al Pacino on us this year; people rarely go from great to crap this fast. How was Peyton supposed to see this coming? That wall Marvin must of hit before the season had to be a pretty freaking big one.

STL 23 SF 20 - I would much rather Fox air info-mercials for the Magic Bullet or that stupid Gazelle thing instead of this game. Thank God I don't live on the West Coast.

ARI 31 SEA 17 - In Bizarro World, people say goodbye when they arrive and hello when they leave. So anyways, I think we can pretty confidently say goodbye to the Cardinals as the 2008 NFC West Champions. Get it?

TEN 28 JAC 15 - I really can't see the Titans going undefeated, but I also can't seem to find a game to pick against them. I mean, God must have brought Kerry “Lazarus” Collins back from the dead for a reason, right?

PIT 24 SD 16 - Unless Shawn Merriman could somehow make LaDanian Tomlinson a good running back again and Norv Turner a coaching genius, people need to stop using his injury as an excuse for the Bolts being a crappy team. Just face it. They suck.

WAS 27 DAL 20 - I am so happy that the Cowboys' bye-week is over and they are finally playing again. ESPN was really running out of things to talk about. And Tony Romo was running out of excuses as to why he couldn't listen to Jessica's new album.

BUF 27 CLE 18 - I must admit, Brady did impress me last week. Unfortunately, he played at Notre Dame and now plays for the Browns, so no matter how good he is, he will always be a complete loser and failure as a human being. Also, it looks like Kellen Winslow has been hanging around Braylon Edwards a little too much. Are they just drenching their hands in baby oil before every play? There must be an explanation.

Thanks for reading

Friday, November 7, 2008

Week 10 NFL Picks

Last Week: 10-4

Overall: 29-27

No, your eyes do not deceive you. I was 10-4 last week, and if you count my "fan Bengals choice," then I was actually 11-3, but I'll let it slide. But by the way, that reminds me...WE WON!!!! WHO-DEY!!! A 1-8 record never felt so sweet. I'm surprised the Jags were able to get themselves out of bed on Monday morning. Ryan Fitzpatrick ripped them a new one. Ryan Fitzpatrick ripped them a new one. (I know I wrote that sentence twice - it's so unbelievable that typing it once just didn't do it justice.) For the first time in months I was finally able to enjoy my Sunday. Each breath of air felt like eternal bliss. Water tasted like sweet nector poured from the heavens. I could finally point and laugh at every Browns fan once again. It was a beautiful day. And this weekend, to top it all off...BYE WEEK!!! TWO STRAIGHT WEEKS WITH NO LOSS!!! WHO-DEY!!! I love Sunday.

Umm, with all my excitement over the Bengals two-week stretch of success, I put very little thought into these picks. I'm in such a state of nirvana that all the other games seemed so trivial this week. But I buckled down and made an attempt, for you - the people. Enjoy.

Let's get to it.

DEN 25 CLE 14 - Here's a story...About a man named Brady...Who was busing throwing three picks in a loss. Also, Braylon Edwards is featured on the latest “Dropsies” cereal box. You can pick one up at most local grocery stores.

NO 22 ATL 19 - WARNING!!! WARNING!!! There is about a .0000059% chance that this pick will be correct. I cannot pick NFC South games. It's impossible for me when one NFC South team plays, and this game has two. I don't know what it is, but I can't figure those four teams out. The NFC South is my kryptonite.

TEN 19 CHI 12 - There is no way Kerry “Lazarus” Collins will lose to Sexy Rexy.

JAC 23 DET 17 - After losing consecutive games to Cleveland and Cincinnati, the Jags face a possible banishment from the league if they lose at Detroit this week. But don't worry; Detroit is destined to go 0-16. Wait....they signed Daunte Culpepper???? I can't believe it, this changes everything...or maybe not.

BAL 20 HOU 13 - Is it just me, or does Ray Lewis get just a little too excited about grabbing, tackling and wrestling around with a bunch of guys every week? Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just throwing it out there.

MIA 23 SEA 12 - I would bet big money that the Dolphins have one of those “That 70's Show” tables where they just sit around and smoke, with Joey Porter, Bill Parcells, Chad Pennington, and obviously Ricky Williams. I mean, they're in South Beach, the weather is great, everyone is laid back, and Ricky is there. In fact, it's not even a ridiculous possibility - I'm sure of it. Why else would they be playing so well this year?

GB 27 MIN 17 - This game might feature the two worst uniform color-combinations in the NFL...if it wasn't for the Browns.

BUF 24 NE 23 - I don't know why, but I just have a feeling the Bills will get back on track and win this game in Foxboro. Maybe I just like seeing that smug, cheater-smirk wiped off of Belichick's face. Honestly, who doesn't hate Belichick? He's like Dennis “The Wolf” Stansson in D2: The Mighty Ducks, just without the slicked back hair

NYJ 22 STL 20 - If this game was in St. Louis, I'd go with the Rams. I think Favre is overrated. He's not nearly as productive in the NFL as he is in his backyard with his Wrangler jeans and middle-aged friends.

CAR 26 OAK 9 - I was so relieved to see that the Raiders saved me from picking an NFC South game. And on another note, you know that guy that get's way too over-excited about the ridiculous things he sees in info-mercials? He pays way too much for absurd products that he never uses, and regrets paying for them in only a few weeks time. The Raiders are that guy.

PIT 24 IND 17 - I would love for the Steelers to lose, but I just don't see it happening this week. They need to drop a game soon though, or else I'm going to have to be-head Hines Ward myself. That dumb smile makes me want to scratch my eyes out. And while I'm on the subject, Polamalu needs to take a shower, and Mike Tomlin needs to calm down. He's the head coach of a 1st place, 6-2 team, and yet he's still always ticked off. Who peed in his Cheerios?

SD 23 KC 16 - I think the Chargers are a bad football team, but I think the Chiefs are a terrible football team, so I'll take the Bolts in SD. But if LaDanian Tomlinson spent a little more time at practice and a little less time eating Chunky Soup, he might be more productive.

NYG 25 PHI 21 - How much would you love to see Eli Manning and Plaxico Burress do a cover of Paula Abdul and MC Kat singing “Opposites Attract?” What could possibly be funnier than that?

ARI 23 SF 16 - I can't believe this is the Monday Night game. There is a good chance I will watch Gossip Girl with the ladies down the hall instead of this. Either way, the Niners have no chance. They would be better off just hitting the showers early. They are flat-out bad. You can't play with them. Can't coach with them. Can't win with them. Can't do it.

Thanks for reading

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Why 1-8 Spells V-I-N-D-I-C-A-T-I-O-N

In Seinfeld: Season 3- Episode 38 (“The Letter”), Jerry is dating an artist named Nina. For whatever reason, she wants to paint a portrait of Kramer, so Kramer willingly obliges. Once Nina is finished with the painting, she puts it up for sale in her apartment, and has a few potential buyers come in to look at it. An older, wealthy couple seem to be the most interested. The man and wife go back and forth for awhile, discussing what they see in the painting. The wife is quite fond of the artwork, while the husband is completely disgusted by it. Still, the older gentleman cannot bring himself to leave the painting. He sums up his feelings by simply stating: “He is a loathsome, offensive brute…yet I can’t look away.”

Those two lines are the best possible way I can describe my love for the Cincinnati Bengals.

I am a die-hard Bengals fan and have been for life. Through my 19+ years here on earth, the Bungals have caused me more pain and disappointment than Reese Witherspoon and Sandra Bullock movies combined. They continue to raise my hopes every year, every Sunday even, only to crush them into pencil shavings again and again. But for some reason, no matter how many times they wallow and fail, I’m always watching, always right there with them. I can’t bring myself to give up on them. They are loathsome, offensive brutes…and yet I can’t look away.

It is impossible to explain my mindset. There is no rational way for me to describe why, year after year, week after week, I devote my attention and effort to a team that will inevitably let me down. When you think about it, my watching the Bengals is about as useful as Matthew McConaughey shopping for t-shirts; it’s a complete waste of our time. There are a million different and more productive things I could be doing, and yet I will never discover what they are. As long as the Bengals keep playing, I’ll keep watching.

Yes, it is stupid. I just laid out a crater-full of reasons not to watch Cincinnati play, while at the same time admitting that I always will. Why? One reason: That slight chance, that wistful possibility that one day, at some point in time, everything could change.

For 86 years, Boston Red Sox fans continued to follow their team religiously, even though they never won a World Series title. Boston fans suffered through a lifetime of failure and disappointment as they witnessed the Sox come up short year-in and year-out. And you know what their reward was? A World Series title in 2004, and then another in ’07. Ask any Red Sox fan in the universe if those 86 years were worth the wait, and they wouldn’t even have to think about it. Of course it was worth it.

It was worth it for the Phillies fans who hung around for 25 years to see a Championship. It was worth it for Kansas Jayhawks basketball fans who sat through 20 years of missing a title “by just that much.” It will be worth it for Chicago Cubs fans after more than a century of wait, for Detroit fans who have endured the defective Lions, and it will be worth it for me when it happens for the Bengals. Trust me.

After sitting through eight excruciating losses to begin this season, I couldn’t help but feel some amount of vindication from Cincinnati’s 21-19 win over Jacksonville this weekend. A half-season of shame seemed to somehow be lifted by a two-point victory against a 3-5 team. Even though our record is still 1-8, that one win felt like it made up for everything else - that one win will get me through any of the remaining losses this year. And that is why, as crazy as it may sound, I’m not going anywhere.

The hope for a Super Bowl will keep me and so many others invested in the Cincinnati Bengals. Forever. Sure, it seems foolish, but that faith is what makes us true fans. And when that day finally comes when everything changes, I’ll be there - and I can promise you it will be worth the wait.

Thanks for reading

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Week 9 NFL Picks

Last Week: 6-8

Overall: 19-23

Well, I must be getting lazy, because my last post was last week's picks, but whatever. I've been too depressed to write much with the way my Bengals are playing this season. But anyways, I'm feeling really good about my choices this week. Two NFC South teams have a bye, which saves me from trying to wrap my head around the games that those mind-baffling excuses for a team play in. Attempting to figure out those four clubs is like trying to predict which "Rock of Love - Charm School" contestant will look the skankieset each week; it's completely up in the air.

Jump on it.

BUF 23 NYJ 16 - I bet Joe Namath rolls over in his grave everytime Brett Favre heaves one of his vomit-inducing, lame duck interceptions. And if you don't think Joe Namath is dead, then you probably don't think Keith Richards is dead either. But go find a recent photo of each of them, and you just might change your mind.

CHI 25 DET 8 - I want to personally thank the Detroit Lions on behalf of the entire city of Cincinnati. As long as the Lions are around, the Bengals can only be the 2nd-worst team in the NFL. You are the Jude Law to our Keanu Reeves.

JAC 25 CIN 13 - (Justin's sensible choice) - Nope, not gonna happen this week. However, I will be able to continue my new post-game tradition; I sit in the dark, in my room, and listen to Toni Braxton sing “Unbreak My Heart” for about two straight hours. But I do not cry. Really, I promise. Hardly ever. I swear. Sometimes, maybe, but only a little... (Justin's “the fan” choice) - FRED TAYLOR IS SO OLD, HIS VISION IS BLACK AND WHITE!!! AND HEY MATT JONES, HOW IS THE CRACK BUSINESS GOING??? PREPARE TO GET BAMBOOZLED JACKSONVILLE - WHO DEY!!!! (Unbreak my heeaaaarrrttt, Say you love me agggaaaaiiiinn.....)

BAL 18 CLE 15 - As long as Braylon Edwards keeps eating a bowl-full of “Dropsies” before every game, the Browns should be able to continue their usual below average play. Or maybe it just comes naturally to them. Hard to say.

TB 25 KC 8 - Games that feature NFC South teams are usually the toughest ones for me to pick. Usually...

MIN 19 HOU 14 - The real losers in this game are the fine folks at CBS that have to air this game regionally. You deserve better guys. I feel for you.

STL 22 ARI 19 - NFC West? Cards vs Rams? I have no clue. Ok, heads is Cards, tails is Rams.'s tails. I really do put a lot of thought into these picks.

TEN 28 GB 19 - In honor of the holiday, I will make the best possible analogy I can think of for Kerry “Lazarus” Collins. Remember in all those “Halloween” movies, how Michael Myers would just keep coming back to life somehow? No matter how many times they tried to kill him, no matter how many times they just wished he would finally die, he always found a way to defy the odds and come back to screw everyone over again. Sound familiar?

MIA 24 DEN 19 - Denver's defense is pretty bad. I expect Miami to have yards and yards of open field, or grass, in front of them all game, leaving Ricky Williams and Co. to “roll-up” the yards and “light up” the scoreboard. Yup, the Dolphins will be flying pretty high after this one. (For those of you keeping track, that's three weeks in a row I've kept up with the “Ricky Williams-pot head” genre. I don't see an end in sight.)

NYG 24 DAL 17 - Brad Johnson and Gus Frerotte need to stop trying to steal Kerry Collins thunder. The NFL only has room for one successful-AARP-eligible-QB per season. Maybe next year guys.

ATL 22 OAK 18 - Oakland fans should dress up in suits and ties for Halloween weekend. It's the only sensible thing to do.

PHI 27 SEA 12 - Glad to see Philly finally did something productive. Ever since Will Smith released “Big Willie Style” they have been searching hard for something worth-while to take credit for. The Phillies and the Fresh Prince have been basically the only bright spots for that city for quite some time. Oh, and that Elton John song.

IND 20 NE 15 - I'm gonna go out on a limb here and predict that Peyton Manning has at least twice as many passing yards as Tom Brady in this game.

WAS 31 PIT 24 - Apparently Chris Berman is interviewing McCain and Obama at halftime of this game, which I find unbelievably disappointing. If there is anything more annoying than the over-kill of election coverage, it's Chris Berman.

Thanks for reading