My picks last week were pretty bad, but I told you I was no expert. Plus, who could have possibly guessed that the Browns and Rams would both win in the same week - I'm not a prophet. But anyways, hopefully I'll do better this week. Let's do it.
SD 24 BUF 23 – Chris Berman likes both of these teams way too much for me to even care who wins. If the Chargers wear their “powder-blue” uniforms for this one, Berman might freak out so much during the highlights that it sends him into cardiac arrest.
NO 25 CAR 18 – I picked Carolina to win big last week against Tampa Bay, and they pulled a Kimbo Slice on me. I don’t care that the game is in Carolina this week; I have no faith in the Panthers anymore. Plus, Reggie Bush just decided to be good all of the sudden. Saints by 7.
CHI 23 MIN 14 – I willingly picked up Kyle Orton in my fantasy league this week. Re-read that last sentence. I didn’t even question myself; I just did it and was happy with my decision. That’s messed up. By the way, good luck staying awake during this one.
PIT 34 CIN 17 – (Justin’s sensible choice) – If Ryan Fitzpatrick was smart enough to go to Harvard, then he should be smart enough to stay home this Sunday. Also, the Bengals showed some interest in signing ME to play running back this week. They felt my weak, feable, 150-pound muscle-less frame was just as good as what they already have out there. (Justin’s “the fan” choice) – YOU KNOW WHO’S A PANSY, POLAMALU? THAT’S RIGHT, YOU ARE!!! I CAN’T WAIT FOR FITZPATRICK TO MAN-HANDLE THE STEELERS ‘D’, IVY LEAGUE STYLE!!! WHO-DEY!!! (yes, I’m seeing a therapist.)
TEN 30 KC 12 – After Chief’s tight end Tony Gonzalez saw his trade request fall through this week, he told the media. “Now it’s over. I’m a Chief now…” Now you’re a Chief? What have you been for the past 12 years? Kerry “Lazarus” Collins helps the Titans win big.
MIA 18 BAL 14 – The Dolphins lost a heart-breaker last week to Houston in the final seconds, while the Ravens lost a skull-crusher to the Colts. I’m looking for the ‘Fins to come back with a vengeance. I can’t wait to see Ronnie Brown run wherever he wants, witness Chad Pennington bust out his “Jerry Rice-esque” routes at wide receiver, and watch Ricky Williams leave the Ravens in a cloud of smoke (get it?). Dolphins by a few.
NYG 27 SF 15 – If losing to the Browns on Monday Night Football doesn’t motivate you to come back strong, nothing will. We’ll see if the Giants can get their “onions” back.
DAL 21 STL 13 – Romo was supposed to be out this week, so Jessica figured they could go shopping for puppies and lip-gloss all day Sunday instead. Tony suddenly seems to be feeling much better. Plus, the Rams just woke up from that trance they were in last week, and remembered how bad they were. Dallas by 8.
HOU 27 DET 5 – I said it last week, and I stick by it: the Lions will go 0-16. Also, Detroit fans are trying to figure out how recently-fired Matt Millen was able to trade Roy Williams without any of the Lions management noticing.
IND 34 GB 19 – I talked to Peyton Manning this week, and he told me he had triple by-pass heart surgery, Tommy John surgery on his throwing arm, and gave away both kidneys to a couple of his friends all during the off-season. And he didn’t tell anyone, cuz he’s just that awesome. He also asked me to tell everyone that they should watch the game on a Sony.
NYJ 23 OAK 12 – How much do you want to bet that Al Davis just sits in his luxury box and plays Techmo Bowl for the original Nintendo every Sunday, doing one of those Dr. Evil laughs the whole time? Have you ever seen the Raiders on that game? They had Marcus Allen AND Bo Jackson. It was like playing against 3rd grade girls with those guys.
WAS 25 CLE 16 – The Browns figured they might as well use up all of their good plays against the Giants last week, so at least they’d have one game to be proud of. That’s right, they beat the defending champs on national television and I still found a way to put them down.
TB 19 SEA 13 – I would rather watch any Renee Zellweger movie Sunday night over this game. And for the record, I like Renee Zellweger almost as much as drinking bleach and gouging my own eyes out.
DEN 23 NE 19 – Drink a shot every time Jaws or Kornheiser mentions Tom Brady, and you’ll be dead from alcohol poisoning about 10 minutes before kick-off.
Thanks for reading