Saturday, October 25, 2008

Week 8 NFL picks


Last Week: 7-7

Overall: 13-15

As I continue to crawl my way towards an impressive .500 record overall (or not), I find myself getting better at making these picks. In fact, I think I've found the secret formula. Remember the Seinfeld episode where George Costanza starts doing things the exact opposite of how he would usually do them? Well, that's what I do for the majority of the games I pick. As Jerry would say, "If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right." Too true Jerry, too true.

Let's do it.

BAL 19 OAK 15 – How can I be expected to make accurate picks when the Raiders and the Rams both win in the same week? I guess I’ll have to bust out my tarot cards and wigi board from now on. Still, I can’t see the Raiders doing it two weeks in a row, especially now that the Ravens are in the bounty-hunting business.

CAR 27 ARI 19
– I guess I’ll go with the Carolina Anomalies at home in this one. But be sure to note that I have about as much confidence picking them as I do in finding myself in the next edition of People’s 50 Most Beautiful People.

TB 31 DAL 13 – I’m really pulling for the Cowboys to lose big, just to see how fast Sportscenter changes its name to “How much can we over-cover the under-achieving Cowboys – Center.” How was that? Did I reach too much on that one? I really felt like I was reaching.

WAS 26 DET 11 – The Redskins’ close call against the Browns should be a huge wake-up call. Plus, I’m pulling for the Lions to go “o-fer” this season and draft the first overrated receiver they can get their hands on.

BUF 29 MIA 17 – With the way Buffalo has been playing, Ricky Williams and the Dolphins are about to see their optimistic playoff chances go up in smoke. Yup, that’s two weeks in a row I’ve made a joke in the “Ricky Williams is a pot-head” genre. I’m gonna ride this wave as long as I can.

STL 23 NE 17 – Last week I underrated both the Pats and the Rams. But since I have been underrating the Rams all season, I'll finally put some faith in them, which inevitably means the Pats will win by like 45.

SD 22 NO 17 – No Reggie Bush for the Saints, so I’ll go with the Chargers (begrudgingly) in this one, which is being played across the pond in London. On that note, I predict CBS plays “London Calling” by the Clash every time they go to/return from commercial. Every time.

NYJ 27 KC 3
– After seeing how Fa-Fa-Fa-Favre-y and the Jets played the last two games, I was definitely picking against them this week…until I saw they were playing the Chiefs.

ATL 26 PHI 23 – The Phillies are in the World Series, expectations for the Eagles and Sixers are high, and Philadelphia sports teams have historically had terrible luck. The City of Brotherly Love has to know that something nasty is hiding right around the corner. It’s a vicious circle.

JAC 24 CLE 12 – To be completely honest, the Browns could be playing against a 6th-grade girls volleyball team and I would still pick them to lose. Plus there’s the fact that Phil Dawson grows noodle legs to kick his last-second field goals. HA HA HA!!! Oh, and watch out for those staph infections Jacksonville. BURN!!!

HOU 22 CIN 11 – (Justin’s sensible choice) – Well, it looks like Carson Palmer is done for the year. If you listen very carefully, you might be able to hear the sound of me sobbing uncontrollably while you are reading this. (Justin’s “the fan” choice) – WE HAVE THE WHOLE LEAGUE RIGHT WHERE WE WANT THEM NOW!!! 9-7, HERE WE COME!!! IT’S GO TIME – WHO DEY!!!!!! (I need a hug.)

PIT 27 NYG 23 – Ok, here is me doing an impression of every football analyst on ESPN. Are you ready? Ok, here it is. –“Hines Ward is the greatest person to walk the face of this earth, EVER. In a couple of weeks, I’m writing in Hines Ward to be President of the United States. If I were an expecting parent, I would name my new-born child Hines Ward. If I were single, I would marry Hines Ward. If I ever change my name, I will change it to Hines Ward. I LOVE Hines Ward.” By the way ESPN, you’re welcome for the under-exaggeration.

SF 17 SEA 12 – I. Don’t. Care. J.T. O’Sullivan vs Seneca Wallace? Seriously? I’ll catch up on my Lifetime movies instead. Or maybe Desperate Housewives. Or maybe anything else that keeps me from watching this.

TEN 29 IND 22 – I’m rolling with Kerry “Lazarus” Collins until his old, decrepit legs fall off. However, I have this bad feeling that whichever team I pick in this one will end up losing on a last second field goal. It’s like I'm having one of those “flash-forward” visions that Desmond gets on Lost. Freaky.


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Thursday, October 23, 2008

More Random Thoughts in my Head: Part 2 of 2

I told you there would be a Part 2. Hopefully you all had enough time to consider the previous thoughts I posted. If not, take some more time before reading this one. Trust me, I understand - I live it everyday. When you are ready, this one is waiting for you.
Giddy-Up.




I hate the term “shoot me an e-mail.” People use it all the time, and I have just never been a fan. I think it makes you sound like McLovin or the science nerd from “The Breakfast Club.” It just appears as if you are trying too hard to be cool. On the other hand, I do like it when people say their cell phone is “blowin’ up” when getting a call. Now that is cool.

I’m assuming we have all seen those car commercials where the car is doing some ridiculous stunts or maneuvers, and on the bottom of the screen it says, “Professional driver. Do not attempt.” I’ve always been confused by this. What is a “professional driver?” How does one become a “professional driver?” Do you have to take extra classes? Are you required to be fearless, able to stare death in the face from behind the wheel? And if so, then what am I considered? I have a license; I took all the necessary classes. Am I still an amateur? If I drive with a regular license for the rest of my life, will I always be a novice in the field of driving? What if you have a temporary license (“temps”)? Are you even below amateur status? Needless to say, I’m a little confused.

Rolling Stone” should just get it over with and change the name of their magazine to “Barack Obama.” He’s on the cover of that magazine more than TBS airs those freaking “Frank TV” commercials. Rolling Stone talks about him more than Tyra Banks talks about herself. If Obama releases an album, I might rethink my stance, but right now it’s just plain ridiculous.

What is it about Hugh Grant that makes me like him in movies? I really do not like the guy, but anytime I see him in a movie I can’t help but find him funny. It’s infuriating, but he is just so doggone charming. I think he could make a used car salesman tell the truth. I really don’t understand how he was unable to talk Elizabeth Hurley into staying married to him after that “incident.”

Why are the towels you have at home like a billion times softer than towels in hotels? What do the hotels use to wash these things? Whenever I have to use one, I feel like I’m drying off with that pink insulation stuff that hangs loose in your basement.

That's pretty much it for now. Look for my next "Random Thoughts" post when they finally let me out of this room with the padded walls.

Thanks for reading


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

More Random Thoughts in my Head: Part 1 of 2

I’ve come across a few head-scratchers and chin-strokers since my last “random thoughts” post, so I figured I’d share the many concepts running around the vast empty wasteland I call my brain. Remember, these are my actual thoughts; I truly do squander valuable hours of my life considering and contemplating these ridiculous ideas and opinions. Actually, I have quite a few, so I’m breaking this edition into two separate posts. The second part will be along in a day or so. Enjoy.

When famous people get arrested, and the police know there will be press around to take pictures, why do they always put a jacket over the guilty party’s wrists to cover up the handcuffs? If the pepetrator is walking out with cops hanging on each arm, and the media is reporting that the person is being arrested, isn’t the jacket kind of pointless. Don't patronize us. We know what’s under there.

Halloween is coming soon, and it is by far one of the greatest days in America every year. You get free candy just for dressing up in a ridiculous outfit; that’s why this country is so great. However, my favorite part of Halloween is when you get those houses where people are too lazy to pass out treats, so they leave a bowl full or candy outside with a sign that reads, “Please take just one.” Has anyone in the history of “trick-or-treating” ever obeyed this sign? Of course not. Every single kid that encounters this takes at least 3 or 4, and the majority of kids just scoop half the bowl into their bag. Now some of you may see this as wrong, but it’s not. As a kid, getting candy is a top five priority in life. Kids will even pawn their mother’s jewelry to get candy. If someone is lazy enough to leave a full bowl of Twix and Butterfingers unattended, it is simply the responsibility of every kid that comes by to take as many as they possibly can. It would be wrong not to. By the way, the runner-up for my favorite thing about Halloween is when you have those people that turn all their lights off and pretend they aren’t home, but you know they are, so you just ring their door-bell for like a half an hour. Classic.

Sex and the City”: terrible show…or worst show ever?

Is it just me, or does Spencer’s sister Stephanie from “The Hills” look A LOT like Poison lead singer and reality TV star Bret Michaels? Click on their names to check out some pictures. I mean, they look like they could be the exact same person. In fact, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen the two of them in the same place at the same time. Hmm

Chew on that. Part 2 coming soon.


Thanks for reading

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Week 7 NFL Picks

Record: 6-8

My picks last week were pretty bad, but I told you I was no expert. Plus, who could have possibly guessed that the Browns and Rams would both win in the same week - I'm not a prophet. But anyways, hopefully I'll do better this week. Let's do it.

SD 24 BUF 23 – Chris Berman likes both of these teams way too much for me to even care who wins. If the Chargers wear their “powder-blue” uniforms for this one, Berman might freak out so much during the highlights that it sends him into cardiac arrest.

NO 25 CAR 18 – I picked Carolina to win big last week against Tampa Bay, and they pulled a Kimbo Slice on me. I don’t care that the game is in Carolina this week; I have no faith in the Panthers anymore. Plus, Reggie Bush just decided to be good all of the sudden. Saints by 7.

CHI 23 MIN 14 – I willingly picked up Kyle Orton in my fantasy league this week. Re-read that last sentence. I didn’t even question myself; I just did it and was happy with my decision. That’s messed up. By the way, good luck staying awake during this one.

PIT 34 CIN 17 – (Justin’s sensible choice) – If Ryan Fitzpatrick was smart enough to go to Harvard, then he should be smart enough to stay home this Sunday. Also, the Bengals showed some interest in signing ME to play running back this week. They felt my weak, feable, 150-pound muscle-less frame was just as good as what they already have out there. (Justin’s “the fan” choice) – YOU KNOW WHO’S A PANSY, POLAMALU? THAT’S RIGHT, YOU ARE!!! I CAN’T WAIT FOR FITZPATRICK TO MAN-HANDLE THE STEELERS ‘D’, IVY LEAGUE STYLE!!! WHO-DEY!!! (yes, I’m seeing a therapist.)

TEN 30 KC 12 – After Chief’s tight end Tony Gonzalez saw his trade request fall through this week, he told the media. “Now it’s over. I’m a Chief now…” Now you’re a Chief? What have you been for the past 12 years? Kerry “Lazarus” Collins helps the Titans win big.

MIA 18 BAL 14 – The Dolphins lost a heart-breaker last week to Houston in the final seconds, while the Ravens lost a skull-crusher to the Colts. I’m looking for the ‘Fins to come back with a vengeance. I can’t wait to see Ronnie Brown run wherever he wants, witness Chad Pennington bust out his “Jerry Rice-esque” routes at wide receiver, and watch Ricky Williams leave the Ravens in a cloud of smoke (get it?). Dolphins by a few.

NYG 27 SF 15 – If losing to the Browns on Monday Night Football doesn’t motivate you to come back strong, nothing will. We’ll see if the Giants can get their “onions” back.

DAL 21 STL 13 – Romo was supposed to be out this week, so Jessica figured they could go shopping for puppies and lip-gloss all day Sunday instead. Tony suddenly seems to be feeling much better. Plus, the Rams just woke up from that trance they were in last week, and remembered how bad they were. Dallas by 8.

HOU 27 DET 5 – I said it last week, and I stick by it: the Lions will go 0-16. Also, Detroit fans are trying to figure out how recently-fired Matt Millen was able to trade Roy Williams without any of the Lions management noticing.

IND 34 GB 19 – I talked to Peyton Manning this week, and he told me he had triple by-pass heart surgery, Tommy John surgery on his throwing arm, and gave away both kidneys to a couple of his friends all during the off-season. And he didn’t tell anyone, cuz he’s just that awesome. He also asked me to tell everyone that they should watch the game on a Sony.

NYJ 23 OAK 12 – How much do you want to bet that Al Davis just sits in his luxury box and plays Techmo Bowl for the original Nintendo every Sunday, doing one of those Dr. Evil laughs the whole time? Have you ever seen the Raiders on that game? They had Marcus Allen AND Bo Jackson. It was like playing against 3rd grade girls with those guys.

WAS 25 CLE 16
– The Browns figured they might as well use up all of their good plays against the Giants last week, so at least they’d have one game to be proud of. That’s right, they beat the defending champs on national television and I still found a way to put them down.

TB 19 SEA 13 – I would rather watch any Renee Zellweger movie Sunday night over this game. And for the record, I like Renee Zellweger almost as much as drinking bleach and gouging my own eyes out.

DEN 23 NE 19 – Drink a shot every time Jaws or Kornheiser mentions Tom Brady, and you’ll be dead from alcohol poisoning about 10 minutes before kick-off.


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Bob Dylan continues to "Keep on Keepin' On"

Those of you out there who are Bob Dylan fans should check out his most recent release – The Bootleg Series, Volume 8: The Tell Tale Signs.

Those of you out there who are NOT Dylan fans should be ostracized from this country.

The most recent installment of Dylan’s “Bootleg Series” features many rare and unreleased tracks from his works spanning 1989 through 2006. The majority of them are variations of tracks from his Oh Mercy, Time Out of Mind, and Modern Times albums. While Dylan might not have felt these versions from the cutting room floor were good enough to be on the final album cut, you can see his unique mastery and ability come through in each adaptation. Dylan’s sense of “incomplete” is synonymous with a sense of “perfection” for everyone else. I personally think the first two tracks (a previously unreleased version of "Mississippi" and an alternate take on "Most of the Time") might be the best two on the album. This does not mean, however, that the remaining songs are any bit of a let-down. His varied attempts at "Everything is Broken," "Series of Dreams," and "Lonesome Day Blues," are just a few more of the stand-outs from this 2-disc, 27-track release.

You can check out the album on iTunes and bobdylan.com, and you still may be able to listen to it for free on NPR’s website. If you get the chance, I highly recommend giving it a listen. As Dylan continues to age, our opportunities to hear his ingenious and inspiring creations will persist to be few and far between.

P.S.: Word on the street is they will be using parts of this album to replace the National Anthem...ok, maybe not.


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Thursday, October 9, 2008

NFL Week 6 Picks

I figured I'd start sharing my thoughts on the weekly NFL games. However, I would not exactly consider myself an expert, so don't take these picks to Vegas with you. You've been warned.

Let's get to it.

ATL 24 CHI 16 – Kyle Orton has to start sucking at some point. Plus, Michael Turner has morphed into some kind of “Jim Brown/Walter Payton” hybrid, and may run for like 367 yards. I’ll take the ATL.

CAR 23 TB 18 – Deangelo Williams came out of no-where to rush for 100+ yds with 3 TD’s last week. Add that to the fact that Jeff Garcia is filling in at QB for the Bucs, and I’ll take Carolina on the road. I have a hard time backing a QB that I’m like half a foot taller than.

WAS 31 STL 9 – The ‘Skins are quickly becoming the leagues most dangerous team, while the Rams are trying to nab that #1 draft pick away from the Lions. Washington wins big.

NYJ 28 CIN 20(Justin’s sensible choice): Palmer might not go for Cincy, and Chris Perry is still their starting running back. It’s hard to pick an upset with those conditions. (Justin’s “the fan” choice): WHO-DEY!!! HOW MANY PICKS DO YOU WANT TO THROW THIS WEEK BRETT “THE WAFFLER” FAVRE??? PREPARED TO GET DESTROYED!!! (If only, if only)

IND 23 BAL 17 – How shocking is it that NY Giants fans may feel better about their QB situation than Colts fans right now? It’s like Bizzaro World. I think Peyton will start to right the ship this week.

MIN 23 DET 10 – I have this theory that the now “Millen-less” Lions will lose every game this season, secure the first pick in the draft…and select a wide receiver, just to see if all their fans’ heads will explode.

NO 28 OAK 12 – Reggie Bush returns 3 punts for TD’s, and Al Davis fires the interim head coach after the Raiders lose.

MIA 20 HOU 17 – The Dolphins are starting to look like a decent football team, even though running back Ronnie Brown plays QB and QB Chad Pennington plays receiver. I want to see Chad start running some real routes though. Trust me, at some point this season, Pennington will channel his inner “Forrest Gump” and start blowing past opposing secondaries with his scorching speed. Remember, you heard it here first.

DEN 27 JAC 18 – Denver can’t stop anybody on D, but the Jags can’t seem to score. I’ll take the Broncs. Also, how cool would it be Denver wide-out Eddie Royal had been given the first name Crown instead of Eddie.

DAL 31 ARI 26 – I heard much maligned Dallas cornerback Pac-Man Jones got into a fight with his body guard this week. That’s right, a fight WITH his body guard. The irony is overwhelming, but I’ll still take the ‘Boys.

SEA 23 GB 17 – I’m not on the Aaron Rodgers bandwagon and I’ll take the Seahawks at home. If only the Packers could have grabbed a veteran, distinguished, reliable QB in the off-season.

PHI 27 SF 14 – Despite the Eagles losing Westbrook to injury AGAIN, I can’t pick J.T. O’Sullivan to beat McNabb. There has to be some balance in the universe.

NE 24 SD 19 – Matt Cassel has been given the starting QB job this year after New England’s starter Tom Brady went down with a knee injury. Now how crazy would it be if the Pats back-up QB took the team all the way to the Super Bowl, won, and secured his job as starting QB for next season. Then, he leads the Patriots to 2 more Super Bowl wins over the next 3 seasons. That would definitely have to be a first.

NYG 37 CLE 20 – Every time Roger Goodell realizes that the Browns were given like 5 nationally televised games this season, he openly weeps, and everyone understands. G-Men win big.



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